Humility (or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Criticism)

The irony is that at a time when my body would have been able to endure this schedule and the physically demanding labor of this kitchen, my personality was such that I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as I do now. I am falling in love with Blue Hill and my knees and heels are not. I am also learning just exactly how different baking in a restaurant is from baking in a bakery. Apart from adjusting to the total shift in schedule, there are a million things that I have to learn about this new position. Today started off easy enough: making peanut butter sorbet, cutting and drying about a thousand peaches for a wedding cake, more brioche (which may become a favorite, rather than the bane of my existence it once was), and then it was time for dinner service. Each night before service in the dining room begins, the entire staff (which includes not only our pastry kitchen, but the savory kitchen which numbers nearly 30) enjoys a family meal. This 10 minute respite has given me an opportunity to reflect upon what it is I want from this experience, in personal terms. My deficiencies have become glaringly apparent in the last 2 days, and admittedly there are times when my ego and pride has threatened to keep me from learning. When I am honest with myself, I would rather fail at something new, momentarily look foolish, and learn from it, than to not challenge myself at all, yet preserving my "image". This image, I am learning, is not of value to me. I struggled tonight to keep up with the speed of dinner service, and at times found myself yelling at my pastry chef "LISTEN, PSYCHO, this is my SECOND day EVER doing this. How the fuck am I supposed to know the difference between the cheeses/compotes/ice-cream-that-is-all-the-same-color when you didn't label them!", except it always came out more like, "Yes, Chef!". The point being: yes, it is embarrassing to be called out for mistakes; yes, there is an inherent urge to defend myself when challenged, or when feeling threatened; but there is more to it. Underneath all of those emotions is a desire to become better. A better baker and pastry chef, a better communicator and observer, and a better leader even when I am a subordinate. There was a time in my life when I believed that leaders did not make mistakes (or, rather, did not admit to them), and that self-preservation was key at all costs. My experience has taught me that leadership is a quality, not a title handed to you, and I desire to increase that quality within myself, and by doing so, hopefully to encourage others to become good leaders, not just good bosses. I am thankful to be working in an environment which encourages learning by experience, and thankful that my superior chefs welcome my questions and provide stellar examples to follow. There were several times today that I asked myself if I am where I want to be. Literally and figuratively, there is nowhere else I would rather be. It is becoming easier to be "here", and easier to welcome the unknown. Objectives for tomorrow: wake up early enough for a run AND stretching (holy balls, do my feet huuuuuuuuurt), cut off fewer of my fingers (.5), take better notes, remind myself that it is only my third day and I won't do every(any?)thing right, be as present as possible for each experience, find joy in the monotony of tasks which I think are beneath me, and remind myself how lucky I am to be given this opportunity.